I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.