<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
This is I, Robot all over again
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.