#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“What?”
– Jude
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain