I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.