“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.