The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Many hands make light work
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If looks could kill
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
What a year we’ve had this week.