I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Somewhere in an alternate universe
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
what’s really going on
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?