guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*