COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..