Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.