“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer