If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein