Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.