My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
You Might Also Like
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Y’all ready for this
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.