Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?