Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
You Might Also Like
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you