Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity