CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Sharon, call the vet
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows