Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.