Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
This January has 47 Mondays
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed