The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star