Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
At an art museum and I thought this was art
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet