Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.