Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Seas the day!!!!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life