[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Sharon, call the vet
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.