Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful