Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
You Might Also Like
This chloroform smells expensiv…
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that