This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m dying louder than usual today.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.