ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp