some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
kevin is now a local weatherman
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!