ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
me and my fake scenarios
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions