How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?