We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
umm…
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The pasta is now
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
i hate you platonically
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.