GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Boom, boom, ching!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.