There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You Might Also Like
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.