me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit