if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
That earthquake could have been an email.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or