It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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Breaking news:
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.