I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
This is a whole mood;
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Investing in beetcoin
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Oh hi lol
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.