Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!