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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good