her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.