7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night