It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Chicken bread
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
spot the difference
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off