I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You Might Also Like
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
#Caturday
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.