Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife