Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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barbara was highly relatable
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Children of the corn 🌽
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.