Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*pronounces surface like Versace*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.