Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Solving a traffic jam
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm