me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”